Blogging, Honesty, and Anonymity

I learned on Sunday the 3rd that at least one person I know is reading this blog.  He loved it.  But I think that knowledge made me start to self-censor.  Why?  I am still not comfortable with all my thoughts.  The mind and the soul are deep and not all thoughts are beautiful.  I fear that some may be ugly when the light of inspection is brought upon them.  But who does not have demons in their hearts?  It is with acceptance... of myself that I struggle.  I told my best friend that blogging for me was like writing in a journal.  Except when one writes in a journal they know that no one else will read it without their permission.  I fear I have no control.

I know of at least two people in my life who can read this blog.  The person mentioned above, and I know that he is a wonderful, non-judgmental, loving human who wouldn't think any less of me, regardless.  The second person, well, let's just say that if there are ugly things in my heart, she's already seen them.  However, there are countless people who may have accessed my blog at one time or another from my facebook page.  Although a little scary, it's something I'm willing to live with.  I did de-link my blog from my facebook, and one day I may be comfortable enough to re-link it, but for now any direct access is gone.

This blog is meant to be a place for me to speak, to be able to formulate thoughts, ideas, feelings into words.  This includes the ability to purge and bare my soul about feelings I have for people in my life that are important to me.  I don't have to include real names, but the slate must be available for me to write about these.

This is one of the reasons for the censoring.  I needed to talk out some feelings from a crisis last night, and I didn't want to post here for fear that the person I'm posting about might read it.  I guess for now, I will hide under the shroud of anonymity if it allows me to speak freely.  Perhaps when I am used to speaking my mind with frankness, honesty, and openness then I will lift the shroud.