Yoga, Movement, Emotion, and Healing

I almost cried in yoga today.  Emotions overwhelmed me... I broke down in laughter... I felt tears well up, I submitted and let relief, joy, sadness, guilt wash over me, pound down upon me, and through me... using me up, and finally leech out of me.

Self-expectations are the bane of my existence.  The first therapist I spent significant time with mentioned that I have this preoccupation of things I should be doing, that I thought of everything in terms of shoulds... I've been haunted by unmet expectations, unfulfilled potential, buried myself under a mountain of shame for all the things I have failed at, and I throw roadblock after roadblock in front of any progress I attempt in life, never measuring up - never reaching the should, never enough.

I released myself from these chains that bind on New Year's Eve...  unbeknownst to me the chains crawled back in the guise of self-improvement, productivity, activity.  They started settling into place a few days ago, and started leeching joy and self-acceptance from my life, replacing self-acceptance with self-criticism, self-flagellation, dissatisfaction, self-recrimination.  Even the smallest whispers have tendrils that latch on and start to choke.

Inhale.... exhale... movement... rise... breathe... extend... *CRASH* the guilt and shame overwhelmed me ... crushed me ... I knew the old demon ... and the depths of my soul wanted me to echo his malicious lies.  I thought about the failure of the past few days... and I collapsed ... in laughter.  How far have I come that the past few days, where I have accomplished so much: driven 3 hours to keep 4 appointments, returned home late, connected with friends, woken up hours early to attend yoga, completed a 24 hour clear liquid fast, undergone a major medical procedure, nurtured a myriad of social connections, all the while keeping a reasonably healthy diet the rest of the time, I would consider a failure.  The demon indeed is an ancient, destructive wyrmling that resides in the depths of my unconsciousness, but it was learned in my youth.  Yes, it was learned.  It speaks not truth, but a biased web of half-truths tinted by the ashen colors of shame. Recognize this, understand it, and know that it will cease to have power.  I thought of that golden child, a pure, unbesmirched, force of energy within me... a self untainted, but full of potential, and worthy of love, respect, and honor.  Embrace that child for that is who I am.