Solitude

My family left this morning, leaving me alone for the first time in weeks.  A gamut of emotions washed over me: relief, freedom, anxiety, loneliness.  People are very much social animals, and the social interaction we partake in feeds a part of our emotional selves. One of the goals I've set for myself is to learn to be completely comfortable in solitude.  What do I mean by solitude?  A combination of the following:  the state of living alone, self-sufficient without others, the state of self-reassurance wherein one doesn't need outside sources of approval or attention, the state of spending hours or even days without outside interaction.

Why do I desire solitude one might ask?  Well, it isn't that life isn't more meaningful, colorful, and energetic with other people.  I don't desire solitude, itself.  I desire the ability to live comfortably in solitude, to be able to enjoy it.  There's a significant difference there.  The latter is a skill learned and acquired, useful and existentially meaningful.  The former is a state of living.  It occurs to me that in order to acquire the ability to live in solitude, I must actually live in solitude for awhile.  So the former is a prerequisite for the latter to develop, but is no longer necessary once the latter is acquired.

Life is a journey, and one of the paths I took in my journey was the constant advice and companionship of others, in its various guises such as roomates, social groups, romantic interests, marriage, internet societies, and of course friends.  I never lived alone until after my divorce, after which I experienced a deep depression. The last thing you could've said is that I was happy, content, or comfortable.  Hell, you couldn't even say I was functional for many of those months.  So I have never achieved the ability to live comfortably in solitude.  I have certainly been comfortable in solitude for hours at a time, but days?  I doubt it.  And oftimes, I am unable to be comfortable for minutes at a time.

The ability to live in solitude may be tied to the concept of mindfulness.  It is not necessary to tie the two together, for I am certain many men and women throughout history have lived in solitude without living mindfully. However, one of the things I notice is a craving for attention and social interaction.  It can be like a drug, a primal need.  It is part of the feeling that drives the endless miasma of internet games and M M O playing.   Alone, there is a sense of incompleteness, a feeling of inadequacy, and of course, of loneliness.  Online, there are activities to stay busy.  Fleeting people to talk with, and perhaps more permanent connections from people with whom I can share activities.  So what does this have to do with mindfulness?  The moments while disconnected provide the answer.  From the website linked above: "To be mindful means to dwell deeply in the present moment, ...."  Mindfulness would dispel the need and the cravings during those moments.  The ability to be mindful obviates the need to constantly seek and find social interaction.  


Solitude is also intrinsically linked with the ability to love and respect oneself.  Elizaveta wrote about this:

It is in sharing that my music develops that special dimension. It is also in sharing that life acquires it, as well. But it is tricky - it's a fine balance - because before one is able to fully share, there has to be a degree of wholeness first. I learned it the hard way. I know it's Psych 101, but it is true that if you do not appreciate or respect yourself - I won't even say 'love' - you are mostly unable to do so towards other people in a pure way . Mind you, this sounds simplistic. If you dislike yourself, this doesn't mean you are unable to fall in love or such. It just means that there can be a lot more room for enmeshment.. or desire to please.. or living vicariously..

Without that love and respect for oneself, social interactions become codependent, become addiction, become an escape.  An escape from what?  ... from onself, of course.  To live comfortably in solitude requires respect for oneself.  Without it, there is no comfort in the solitude.

Self-respect and self-love segues into the act of doing things for oneself. Why am I writing this blog?  Yes, because Rudolfo told me I need to speak, but his suggestion was only the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.  The real reason is that it is part of the journey I've chosen for myself, a portion of the path I must travel in personal self-development.  The blog helps me focus (link to be added later - I have a post in the works about focus and distraction) the countless thoughts flitting about within my head.  The blog gives me an outlet for pent up thoughts and ideas.  The blog gives me a daily goal - to post at least once per day, and thereby a pittance of structure.  The blog allows me to learn solitude.  How does it do this last item one might ask?  The purpose of this is for myself, not for others.  The method is to write for oneself, and learn to not care whether others read or comment or like or dislike or approve or disapprove of the contents that I create.

In a way, I suppose it is a diary of sorts.  And if others do end up reading and appreciating my thoughts, then fine.  And yes, as of right now, I do care.  I mentioned it on my twitter status that I started blogging again, which I thought at the time also updated to facebook, but it didn't.  In a twist of fate, no one pays attention to my twitter since I just started it, and since it didn't propagate to facebook, no one there knew.  I decided to delink this blog from my facebook just now.  A way of learning to not care, of teaching myself solitude and that it is ok for me to create things just for myself and my own satisfaction.